Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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