omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
