i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
