How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
