I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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