Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
