you would pick up someone in the library
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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