Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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