Four minutes until I can fart!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
