I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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