you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
