Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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