He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize