I wanna bring you to show and tell
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
