I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
