You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
