**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
