We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
