I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
