ya dads aren't the best wingmen
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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