I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So squirting runs in the family.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
