your parents love me but you hate me
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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