I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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