I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
