my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
