i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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