I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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