Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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