I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
