my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
