all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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