my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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