Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
