Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
