where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
