The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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