is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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