I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize