Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Holy sore nipples Batman
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
