Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
