i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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