I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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