I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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