1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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