every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
