I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
