I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
