Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
