So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
