My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize