Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
