Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
