before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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