Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
