While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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