I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
