the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
