just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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