I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
