My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
