Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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