I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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