I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
