Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
