What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
