Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
