I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
