My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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