On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
